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So, here’s the story because it needs to be said without me omitting and lying. I’m tired of lying; it’s just too much for me anymore. This is over the period of month, so here it goes.

Lucas and I have been dating/engaged/living together since February 2006. No matter what, this is the man I will love above all things for my entire life. However, from time to time I screw up and forget just how good he is to me and how much I do love him. At age 17, I felt like a tired housewife (not his fault—none of this is his fault). With school being out and trying to save money for Lollapalooza, there was too much time and not enough to do. When I went to Maine, I talked online to Steven and Bobby. Steven being my ex I was never supposed to talk to even though I do not have any feelings for him, but could almost go so far to call a friend. Bobby was the guy I liked before Lucas and I finally got together. Bobby and my conversation led to feelings of long ago, and I didn’t stop to tell him about Lucas and me until the end. Since life had become kind of still at the homestead, the thought of Bobby was entertaining. I began talking to him on the phone and we would leave each other voicemails. Lucas started listening to my voicemails, and no surprise, he didn’t like them. I assured him I didn’t like Bobby like that, explaining our former situation and told him I wouldn’t talk to him anymore (lies). I wasn’t sure how I felt about Bobby and didn’t stop calling him. For the most part, I just talked to him online…on Lucas’s computer. I also made the fatal error of telling Bobby I love him, which I do not. Actually, closer to the past week I had almost fully come to my senses about him. A couple nights ago when Lucas was at work, I was in the area and stupidly decided to stop by Steve’s. Again, I do not have any feelings for him. I watched a part of Thank You for Smoking and then Lucas called. I kind of freaked out and started feeling horribly guilty. I drove to the Subhouse, parked, and then answered the call. I told him I just got home from work where I had been before Steve’s. Lucas had just stopped at home in between jobs to grab some food. After I got off the phone, I rushed home because I felt so bad. On my way home he called again just to say he loved me before clocking on and I told him I was running up to the gas station. I was afraid he could hear my car (still on my way home) and know everything immediately. I was freaking out about that and the next night I was online talking to people (Tyler, Steve, Allysa, Travis, Brett)  and looking for how I wanted my hair cut. I was talking to Brett and he started a Direct Connection. This is how our conversations always went: direct connection, we’d send each other pictures of faces with expressions. And that’s how it went, he sent pictures of himself, I sent pictures of myself. I complimented his and he started getting flirty. I am a chump because I flirted back. I’ve never really had that much of a crush on Brett, never thought we’d date or whatever. I couldn’t even really call him a friend because I thought he didn’t like to me and I haven’t seen him in person for 3 years and have never spoken to him over the phone. But just goes to show if you talk them the right way you can get them to send you a picture of their boobs. If you didn’t catch that, that was I sent him a picture of my bare breasts. I had not realized that Lucas installed one of those things that records everything you type. So…all of this he already knows. This is why I’m a cheater. This is why I lost the sweetest man I ever met. The curly haired Adonis who smiled like a wolf and had me scratch instead of him just because it felt better. The only man I could ever see me spending the rest of my life with.

So, I hope maybe one day when I can be more than a sack of shit he will forgive me and want me as his wife.

In the mean time, I’m looking for friends. Just friends. No guys who think they can jump in bed with me no that I’m lonesome. But why would any guy want me knowing that I’m a cheat, a slut, a whore. I will never love them. I will only lead them down the same road. So stay away and don’t make things harder.

If you want to add or edit—feel free.